Fare well~

Hello, after a long time!

I realize that I haven’t posted anything on this blog since March and I apologize for that to everyone who may have been following my blog discreetly or indiscreetly. However, I realized that it is time I shut down this blog for it belongs to a different phase of my life and I need to move away from that. At the same time, I do not want to erase that phase, which is why I refuse to delete the posts that I have uploaded on this blog.

I have maintained this blog for over three years, and it is a story of my personal growth and progress over these years, which have been tremendous. I guess that is also a chief reason for my reluctance to erase/delete this blog. This blog documents not only my interests and random updates about my personal life, but also several difficult phases that I have been through.

Beginning September, I am going to embark upon a new journey and while I did have plans to renovate this blog, I want to let it be for now (or may be for ever). I might start another WordPress blog, in which case I shall update it here but for now, I am sticking to my Tumblr blog – A Potpourri of Chaos. My tumblr is, what I like to call, an orderly chaos and I mostly reblog kdrama, art, literature, aesthetics, fandom-related posts, and other posts that interest me, along with uploading personal photos and posts.

This blog will continue to show my Twitter and Goodreads updates, however if you are truly interested, then I urge you to follow me directly on the said platforms. If you are on Tumblr, then please do let me know by dropping in an ask/message on my tumblr!

Here’s wishing for happiness and peace~

Adieu!

보고싶어서…

I still miss him.

I didn’t want to admit it but I’ve realized that I’m not ashamed of admitting it. The past two nights have been particularly difficult ones, despite my struggle to not go back to where I was a few months back. I haven’t succumbed yet, but I’m close to. Thing is, I refuse to cave in to that despair again. At least, not now. While I have realized that I cannot suppress those memories and feelings, and should not even try to, yet I have also realized that I can only be thankful to him for coming into my life when he did, despite the pain he caused me. There is no regret, and that is perhaps the most important thing to be considered.

However, that doesn’t change the fact that

I miss you.

26.01.2016

 

“I feel my life cracking within me from too much intensity,
too much disequilibrium. It is like an explosion which cannot
be contained, which throws you up in the air along with
everything else.”
– E.M. Cioran, Heights of Despair

E.M. Cioran’s Heights of Despair continues to be one of those essays that I keep going back, that I keep savouring slowly.

 

desire is chaos.

A few days back, I was sitting with a couple of my friends on the rooftop and chatting away about endings – college, innocence, relationships – when one of them asked, “Doesn’t it frustrate you when you continue to desire something or someone that has become forbidden to you?”

That statement struck a chord with me.

Forbidden. Desire. You.

Somehow, ‘forbidden’ and ‘desire’ seem to always be intermeshed with each other. From a young age, we are taught not to desire – things, people, places, spaces, time, and relations. Desiring is a sin, apparently, and hence, it is forbidden. This I, desiring You incessantly, is forbidden and I know it. I know it and yet, I cannot stop myself from desiring.

This is not to say that desiring is wrong.
But perhaps, desiring you has been wrong – a mistake.

However, it wasn’t a mistake to have desired you once, to have loved you once. I do not regret it no, nor do I think I will regret it ever, for having loved you as I did then. You weren’t forbidden to me then but now, you are. Perhaps, this hurts me more than anything else and I don’t know how to cope with it. I feel myself at a loss and unable to deal with the idea of a forbidden you.

Desire is an appetite that ultimately consumes you. Perhaps, that is why it is forbidden.

But what if I want to be consumed?
What if I desire to desire, no matter how forbidden it is?

Desire is chaos, and it is in the nature of human society to forbid, to repress and suppress anything that creates chaos. This movement from order to chaos as we desire opens us to infinites. You can desire anything – you just have to close your eyes and imagine, dream. Desire started with a hunger for knowledge that was forbidden, as the Bible tells us, and as a result, the humans were cast out of Paradise. Apparently, this is our Original Sin. Since then, the idea of desire being sin and hence, forbidden, has existed. Desire, Sin and Forbidden have become synonymous. Desire has no place in a space of order and perfect arrangement; desire leads to tales of blood, and hunger and thirst for possession.

Perhaps, that is where my desire for you arises – to claim you for myself. It sounds terrible, I know, but this is what desire does to a person. It twists you into a being you don’t recognize.

Paul J. Griffiths, in his essay ‘The Nature of Desire’, states, “Our derangedly open desires can be directed to anything at all. But desire never seeks anything, exactly; it always seeks for something in particular, though that something might be almost anything.” The problem with my desire is that it is fixated upon you – obsessing over you – precisely because you are forbidden to me now. In this attempt to restrict my open desires, I have managed to narrow it down to the one person who is the cause of the most chaotic phase in my life. Perhaps, desire can never be restricted. Perhaps, desire should not be forbidden because either way, it results in chaos and disorder. What’s the point of restricting or forbidding it then?

What I mean to say in this rather chaotic piece on forbidding desire is that my desire for you is boundless, and it is entirely pointless to forbid it.

But do you really understand what I mean to say? Perhaps not.

Calmer, now.

image

Kaziranga National Park

Sitting at the airport right now to fly out to Delhi, I can’t help but feel a sense of trepidation.

As I stated in a previous post, my escape to Assam has paid off. I’m at a much calmer state of mind right now, and it seems to have lasted for a week or so. I don’t want it to vanish. I don’t want to go back to being my hollow self.

SG called me yesterday, panicking about applications and plans for post-grad life (which us just five months away; time sure flies by) and while we were talking, I realized that I’m not going to subject myself to the pain and sorrow and heartbreak again. I refuse to do it and I plan on staying away from places that overflow with memories of r. The only problem with this is that the entire city of delhi is a reminder of r- the airport, the neighborhood around my college, my favourite restaurants, the convenience store near my pg, the streets near my pg. The last time I visited these places, I was either completely numb or breaking down in the middle of the street. My fear comes from this – I don’t know how I will react when I visit them again. A strong part of me believes I have healed enough to not let them affect me much but there’s still some uncertainty.

I haven’t had a breakdown in a week and I think that’s saying a lot about my healing process. I haven’t had any nightmares either; my dreams have entirely consisted of absurd but pleasant stuff that involves me meeting my bias 😉

I am going to cling onto this ray of light with all my might.